Everything isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.. and Ariana isn’t always smiling and happy.. our life comes with its own difficulties and challenges like everyone else.
And sometimes you just have a bad day. Today was that day. Not necessarily bad.. just sad, reallly. I guess I knew it was bound to happen. How many tests, shots, waiting rooms, doctors and blood draws can a baby handle before they break and want no part in it.
Yesterday we took Ariana to have her 18 month eye exam done. From the moment we walked into the room she started to get figity. Then the nurse came and she began to get nervous. Then she got close to Ariana and she full on freaked out. The nurse had to dilate her eyes. So again.. like many, many times before I had to hold her down, with the arms that are suppose to protect her & comfort her. Hold her down so this woman she doesn’t know, doesn’t trust could do something to her that she doesn’t want done. I could only imagine what was going thru her head. What kind of betrayal she feels every single time I have to hold her down..
After she was dilated it was time for the eye doc to check her eyes. Ariana was fighting back. She didn’t want any part of it. So again.. I had to wrap her with one arm, and then hold her head down with the other. The doc said to me “wow mom, you got this down huh?” he said it jokingly.. I guess it was suppose to be some sort of compliment. But honestly, it made me so sad… it made me sad that I “got it down” to a science. That I know exactly how to hold my child down. That’s sad. Really sad.
Yesterday I could handle.. but today I couldn’t.. I feel so defeated and in my emotions. Today was hard. I could only imagine how Ariana was feeling. How hard it was for her.
She had a regular check up today. I scheduled two appointments one for her, and one for her big sis. They both got checked in the same room. Amari went first. The nurse and the doctor didn’t go any where near Ariana and she still was so uncomfortable. All they had to do was be in the same room and Ariana became so scared.
Once it was her turn for her check up. The doctor or nurse couldn’t even look at her without getting a squirm out of her. She would turn into me, hide her face in my chest, and dig her little fingers into my arms. She would turn to me for comfort and instead I would turn her around to the same people she was trying to get away from.. it was the absolute worst..
How I wish I could take her place..
feel her fears, take her pain..
I felt so defeated. So unworthy of her and her love.
I know the doctors are here to help. And I am in their debt for everything they have done for Ariana. But I can’t help these feelings. Being a parent is so hard.. but being a special needs parent comes with its own difficulties on top of everything else…. it’s just a big ol’pile of hard…